


Ready For It?

by SeasOfTrees



Series: Reputation [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: American High School AU, High School AU, M/M, Marijuana, Modern AU, Sirius Grew up with the Potters, Trans!Lily, Underage Drinking, poc!Sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 16:23:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16643621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeasOfTrees/pseuds/SeasOfTrees
Summary: In which Sirius is a jock, Remus is a hipster, Lily is just trying to help, and James is doing his best.And life is not like a John Hughes movie... except for when it is.





	Ready For It?

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my flaming dumpster of a fanfic, complete with awkward teenage hormones and probably too many pop culture references.
> 
> I've been working on this fic for too long and just had to get it out into the world. Hope you like it!
> 
> Warnings for second hand embarrassment, completely unrealistic depictions of the amount of tattoos a seventeen/eighteen year old would have, and complete disregard for Korean naming practices.

**Excerpt from Sirius’s Most Secret and Scientifical Log — September 26**

_I have this one reoccurring dream where we’re on a beach together.It’s night, we’re alone.He’s naked.I’m naked.More importantly he’s naked.He’s always covered in tattoos in those dreams, that’s what I first noticed about him, his tattoos.It’s what caught my eye last spring when I met him._

_At first I didn’t think much of him.All I knew was there was a new guy moving into town.Remus Lupin.I remember being sort of thankful that I wasn’t going to be the only kid at school with some stupid classical name anymore._

_I saw glimpses of him throughout the day.He didn’t look like much.Tall.Curly blond-ish brown hair in a sort of undercut.Giant unseasonably warm sweater.He had a bi pride flag pin on his backpack, which made me notice him a little more, and pity him a bit.Being the new kid sucks.Being the new queer kid sucks more.I was kinda impressed how open he was, but still didn’t give him much thought._

_But then there was this assembly in the afternoon, and we all crowded into a set of bleachers, and he ended up sitting next to me._

_He pushed up the sleeves of his sweater, and my brain melted._

_Both of his forearms were covered —_ covered!!!!— _in black and white tattoos._

_One arm featured the face of a wolf, beautifully rendered in achingly perfect detail.There were mountains in the background as well as pine trees.A full moon peeked out from between two mountains._

_The other arm had a lion on it, his mouth open wide like he’s roaring in your face.The lion’s mane seemed to give way at the edges to stylized flames._

_Also, his forearms.Remus Lupin looked like a fairly skinny guy, but his forearms were surprisingly well formed.Why are men’s forearms so sexy?Why do they distract me so?For what reason are we so fucking turned on by forearms?What possible evolutionary advantage is there?Is a graceful looking forearm somehow a sign of virility?Is that how it works?_

_Maybe.Because I want to have his forearms’ babies._

_Also his hands are hot.Men’s hands can be so hot.They were the sort of hands that do stuff, you know?Like they make things and play music and also maybe make this author feel so, so good._

_Right yeah, the dream._

_So we’re naked and he’s got these tattoos everywhere.Couldn’t tell you what they were, only that they were there.And his hands are between my legs and my dick is also there and good things are happening…_

_Then he starts going down on me.He looks up at me with those stupid ass pretty fucking green eyes and I wake up and yeah.Super glad I bought that extra set of sheets last month._

_Either way, will continue to keep an eye out for any other signs of ink on one Remus Lupin.Surely he must have more._

 

“Did you know he has a tramp stamp?”I ask.

“Really?”James asks.“No.”He makes that stupid open mouth face as he applies his contacts.

“I didn’t even know men got those.When I saw it I had to skip fifth period.”

“Why would you — oh, dude.That’s gross.”James looks at me with his judge-y eyes.It’s fucking weird looking at him without his glasses.He looks naked.Facially naked.Even though faces are naked all the time… you have friends with glasses, you know what I mean.“He turns you into a twelve year old, man.And not that cute first crush sort of twelve year old either.The twelve year old who just learned what boners are.”

“It’s like I’m relearning what boners are.These are new boners.Hyper-powered boners.My boners have leveled up.They’ve ascended.They’ve evolved.I will never be the same.”

“Usually I’d be happy to get rid of the old Sirius, but this new one is just creepy.You’ve got a fucking diary about him.”

“It’s not a diary, it’s a log.”

“Of your wet dreams about him.”

“A record for science.”

“NASA doesn’t want your spank bank.”

“I don’t jerk off to the damn thing!Wait,” I amend, remembering last Tuesday.“Yes I do.”

He stuffs his clothes into his bag.“So what is it?”

“What’s what?”

“His tramp stamp.”

“Oh,” I say.“It’s that three moon design thing, you know with the crescent moons on either side of a circle?Like Mom had on that necklace during her Wicca phase?”

“So Remus is into witchcraft?Wouldn’t have pegged him as the type.”

“Wouldn’t have pegged him as the tramp stamp type, either,” I say.“But there you go.Stop fucking with your hair, it’s pointless.”

James keeps running his fingers through his hair like a moron.“You’re just jealous you don’t have my volume.” I examine my hair in the mirror: sleek, glossy black pulled up into a glorious man bun, perfectly coiffed with the most carefully careless strands sticking out to perfection.God I love my hair.“And you’re jealous you don’t have my style.C’mon,” I say.“We’re going to be late for practice.”

“You just want a chance to stare at Remus.”“Obviously,” I say.“Move!”

Remus Lupin is sitting on the bleachers as usual.He and his friend — The Pink One, a freshman with fuchsia hair that everyone calls Tonks for some reason — are chatting about something.They pretty much always hang out on the bleachers after school.At first I thought it was because they liked watching the soccer team practice, but they pretty much never look over at us (believe me, I’ve checked).And they’re there even when we aren’t.They’re on the bleachers before before us and they stay there even after we leave.There aren’t any rules about it and they don’t get in the way, so mostly they get left alone.

But it bugs the fuck out of me that I don’t know why they’re here.

“Think they’re fucking?”I ask James, though I know I’ve asked him a hundred times.

Bless him, he replies anyway.“Don’t know.He’s fucked half the school by now, right?Don’t see why he wouldn’t have fucked her.She seems into him.”

“He hasn’t fucked half the school,” I say.“Only like five girls.”

“Who’s names, measurements, sexual histories, political views, ancestry, and grades you’ve memorized.You have a cork board on your wall with fucking pins and string on it.The first time I saw it I thought you were going to become a serial killer.”

“I like getting my thoughts organized,” I say.And it’s only sort of a lie.The cork board is so I could look at their pictures side by side and decide whether I should dye my hair.The pins and string are because I’ve always wanted a cork board with pins and string. [Note: Thankfully, I took that board down before we had this conversation.You’ll see why that was such a good thing later.Don’t want to spoil things.]

“It’s creepy,” is all he says because we’ve arrived at the field and we have long since made an agreement to only discuss my crush on Remus Lupin out of earshot of innocent bystanders.When I’m at practice, I forget about it and focus on the game.So as we start warmups I completely compartmentalize it and let it go.I am focused.I am a fucking professional.

Halfway through the practice, I decide that shirts are a stupid social construct and that we are all better off without them.I walk to the bleachers, smooth and casual and shit because I don’t care.And I pull the sweaty jersey off me and toss it on a nearby seat.I stretch out and let my muscles flex and relax as I enjoy my new freedom of movement, my body glistening in the afternoon sun.I cast a casual glance over the bleachers, barely lingering on the only two spectators we have.Remus doesn’t look away from The Pink One.

That’s fine.I don’t care.

“He just looked at your ass,” James mutters as we get back into position.

“Really?”I look back at them, but Remus seems to be pretty engaged in his conversation with The Pink One.

“No,” James says, chuckling.

I kick him.

 

**September 27**

_So this dream is a new one.We’re in math class after everyone else left (that’s how I learned about his tramp stamp — he sits in front of me in math class and the other day he bent down to get a pencil)._

_Right.Math._

_So everyone left and we’re still there.And we’re making out and he’s naked magically because dream and I’ve got him bent over the desk and I’m fucking him and his gorgeous ass is bouncing up and down on my dick and right above it is that fucking tattoo.The moons.Those fucking moons._

_But I don’t lose my shit until he looks over his shoulder and the eyes.The eyes._

_I have this weird thing for green eyes.Ever since James got into his_ Supernatural _phase and made me watch all these stupid shows about witches and werewolves and shit_. _Though maybe I should be grateful since it helped me discover my sexuality._

_Side note:_ Supernatural _contributes the first line of the haiku of me figuring out I’m gay:_

Jensen Ackles’ Eyes

Staring at Disney Princes

Oh shit now I’m hard

So yeah, Remus has gre _en ones.Super green ones.Fanfiction green ones.Green as freshly mowed grass.Green as the peridot necklace I got Mom for her birthday last year_. _Green as… moss and mint and trees and certain particularly attractive paint swatches at Home Depot and fuck…_

_Right so he looked over his shoulder and I came.Yeah._

 

“Are you ever going to talk to him?”

“I’ve talked to him.”

“You’ve exchanged thirty-three words with him since last April.Exactly.You counted.”James frantically pulls his controller in the direction he wants the kart to go.He’s one of those people who seems to think that physically moving a Playstation controller has an effect on motions in game.

I calmly direct my vehicle around the turn with a smooth arc of my thumb like a civilized person.“When we finally have our discussion, it’s going to be deep and insightful and beautiful and we’re going to fall in love and it’s going to be awesome.So there’s no need to worry about volume of conversation.Quality, not quantity, James.You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“In other words,” he says, jerking his controller up frantically he’s starting a fucking lawnmower, “you have no clue what to say to him so you avoid discussion so he’ll assume you’re mysterious and deep rather than a pathetic loser who while admittedly better at Mario Kart than me has never actually had a serious relationship and keeps a secret wet dreams diary with a fucking _puppy cover_ and a fucking _lock_ tucked under his mattress.”

“Those are other words,” I admit.“And I only use that notebook— ”

“Diary.”

“Notebook because it was the cheapest one I could find that day.”“Walmart has spiral ring notebooks for like 25 cents and instead you chose to spring for a diary with a lab puppy on the cover and a _fucking lock_.There are also paw prints on the corners of the pages.”

“You _have not_ been reading my log!”

“No, but I wanted to test my suspicion about the paw prints.” 

He groans as I win the race.Luigi does his little victory dance on the screen.

“It’s to keep the theme throughout.It was a nice detail on the part of the designer.”

“Right… so when are you actually going to talk to him?”

“When the time’s right.”

“So Saturday.”

“Saturday?”

“There’s going to be a party at Marlene’s.Remus is gonna be there.Maybe you’ll realize you don’t like him and I won’t have to listen to you go on about him any more.”

“Or maybe he’ll propose and you’ll have to help me pick a wedding dress.”“Or maybe he’ll realize how creepy you are and move to a different state.Either way, there’s going to be a party, upperclassmen only.Might be your only chance to talk with Remus without that little pink haired elf hanging around.”

I nod, eyes trained on the TV as we start a new course.But inside I’m freaking out.The prospect of approaching Remus Lupin scares me.Almost as much as the thought of doing anything with Remus Lupin excites me.I’m fucked and I know it.Only question left to answer is… what sort of fucked am I?

 

**September 28**

_We’re at a party.I can hear the music through the door.Mostly because the music is loud.Partly because Remus is fucking me up against the door.In beat with the music.Which is kinda cool, but also kinda weird.Whatever.I like it._

_Then I wake up and realize I left my headphones on._

_Woops._

 

The next day at practice, I fuck up.

I’m caught off guard and kick the ball toward the bleachers.Normally, that wouldn’t be a huge deal, but I somehow manage to get the ball right between Remus and The Pink One.Fortunately, it doesn’t hit either of them, but that doesn’t really make me feel much better.I have to get the ball back.

I approach them.James has somehow made his way behind me, likely so he’ll have something to hold over my head.The Pink One is already holding the ball.Remus is beside her, and he looks amused.Which looks adorable.I can feel my heart beating in my forehead.

“This yours?” she asks, holding out the ball.

“Technically, it’s the school’s,” I say.It’s not a good joke, but I’m nervous.

She doesn’t seem to mind.She looks oddly cheerful for someone who almost took a soccer ball to the face.“So are you going to the party on Saturday?”

I blink.“Of course.If I’m not there it isn’t a party.”

The Pink One laughs.“It sucks that it’s only upperclassmen, but I’m making Moony go in my stead.Watch out for him, alright?”Moony?She has a nickname for him?Oh, _fuck that_.

Remus elbows her.“I’m right here,” he says.He looks over at me.The sunlight hits his eyes at just the right angle and they’re so green and _ahhh_.“Sorry about Tonks,” he says, his voice all gravely and sexy and deep despite his waifish figure and boyish good looks.“She wishes she could sit at the big kid’s table.”

“Yup,” she replies, bright and without a hint of embarrassment.I smile a little.I’d almost like the kid if she wasn’t always hanging off of Remus, possibly fucking him, giving him _nicknames_ …

“Sirius!James!Would you care to join us some time?”Coach shouts from the edge of the field.

“That’s your cue,” The Pink One says.“I’ll see you around.”Then she winks at me.

_Is she flirting with me?_

“Was she flirting with me?”I ask as we walk back over to the team.

“Maybe,” James says.

“The whole school knows I’m gay, right?”

James shrugs.“Maybe she saw one EXO music video and decided she wanted to nab a pretty Korean boy.Wouldn’t be the first time it happened to you.”

Reader, it is an unfortunate fact of the medium of type that you cannot see my face.So, please allow me to personally ensure you right now that I am in fact a very pretty Korean boy.

“While we’re young!”

James and I get back into formation.I manage to go the whole rest of the game without hitting anyone.

 

**September 29**

_A nickname.I didn’t really think about the nickname until I got home._

_She calls him Moony.Is that a reference to the tramp stamp?Has she seen it?Is she fucking him?Like literally, with a strap-on?_

_I bet it’s pink.Big old pink dick right into him and —_

_Welp.I’m hard._

 

“You lying liar of lies who sits on your throne of lies with your lie crown and lie scepter and…”

“Lie orb?”James offers.Someone walks by us and maneuvers a precariously stacked pyramid of red solo cups over James’s head.

“You said he’d be here,” I say, leaning in so he can hear me over the music.

“I was informed by a reliable source.”

“The Pink One can be relied upon for nothing but silliness and diversion!”

“Dude, you need to calm the fuck down,” James says.“Go get some air or something, I’m sure he’ll come around.Alternatively, you could find someone else and get laid.I’m gonna go get a drink.” I’m about to reply with a fantastically snappy response but the fucker gets away before I can figure out what it is or unleash it on him.

I groan.Some chick starts grinding on me and I decide it is time to leave.

I climb up the steps, trying to sidestep all the people who are in various states of Teenage Mating Ritual, muttering under my breath because I alone have already reached stage three of Teenage Mating Ritual, and my date-not-date hasn’t even bothered to show the fuck up.

I put on my finest t-shit for him.I’m wearing the jeans that make my ass look good but crush my balls.I have hairspray in my hair.I put on fucking eyeliner.And he’s not here.

“Sirius!”Marlene says, pretty much falling on me.“You look amazing!Are you wearing makeup?”She’s got a bottle of Malibu in one hand a selfie stick with no phone attached to it in the other.

“Uh, yeah,” I reply, steadying her.I’ve always liked Marlene, but I’m really not in the mood to talk to anyone.

“You look so _pretty_ ,” she says.“Ah, we should take a pic— fuck, where’d my phone go?”She looks around frantically, then frowns.“Dorcas!”she shouts.She pushes the bottle into my chest and drops it as she runs into the crowd.I barely manage to grab it.

Nearby, there’s an open door, I peek inside.No one’s there making out.Excellent.I close the door behind myself and take a swig from the bottle.Straight coconut rum wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I’m not about to complain.

It looks like it’s Marlene’s little sister’s bedroom.I feel a breeze roll in and notice that the window is open.It looks like the window leads out to the roof.

Fuck it.I’ve always wanted to be that person sitting on the roof of a house while there’s a party going on.

Unfortunately, once I clamber up onto the roof (managing to only spill some of the Malibu) I see that some hipster douche in a beanie has already beaten me to the roof.

Oh my god, and he’s _smoking_.All I need to do is take a picture and put some stupid quote above his head in Times New Roman and I’ll become tumblr famous.

I turn to leave, but he must have heard me because he turns around.And it isn’t just any hipster douche, it’s Remus Lupin.

And it isn’t a cigarette, I realize as the breeze rolls through again.It’s a joint.

“Hey,” Remus says, flicking the joint against the edge of the roof.“What’s up?”

“I… uh… sorry, didn’t mean to intrude.”

“You’re not intruding,” he says.“Want a hit?”He offers me the joint.

And I do.I do want a hit.

I sit beside him, setting the bottle between us and take the joint.As I exhale, I can feel the burning sensation spreading through my lungs.I took way too much of a hit.But I force myself to breathe through it.I’m not about to start hacking up a lung in front of him.

“So is that your drink of choice?” he asks, gesturing toward the bottle.“A full handle of Malibu?”

“Yeah,” I rasp, breathing deeply and handing him the joint, “when I drink bitch drinks, I go hard.”Instinctually, I take another swig from the bottle, but immediately regret it as the alcohol stings my throat.

He laughs.“Mind if I…?”

“No,” I reply, handing him the bottle, “go ahead.”

He takes a sip.“So what brings you to the roof?”

“I wanted to be an  angelheaded hipster burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of the night,” I explain.

“How’d you manage to memorize that whole card?”

“My brother dared me to,” I say.

“Your brother,” he replies.“I was curious about him, actually,” he says as he hands me the joint.

Wait, fuck.What?Does Remus like James?No, that can’t be true… say it ain’t so… “Oh?”I reply, taking a tiny hit this time.“What do you want to know?” 

“Is he like your half brother, or something?Because you don’t really look much like each other.”His words are slow and measured.He’s trying not to offend me.

I laugh.“Do you like riddles, Remus?”

He pauses.“Uh, yeah?I guess.”

“Here’s a classic one: if a white couple has a bunch of money, but they don’t adopt an Asian baby, are they actually rich?”

“Ah.”

“Ah.So, speaking of heavenly bodies, have you seen mine?”

He pulls the Malibu bottle away from his mouth and starts coughing.“Excuse me?”

“My star,” I reply, blinking innocently.“It’s the brightest one in the sky.”I point at my star.“Sirius, the dog star.”

“So was that the name that your birth parents gave you, or your adoptive parents?”

“Both, sort of,” I explain, staring out at the sky.“Back in Korea, the people who worked at the place I was adopted from gave me a nickname, Cheonlangseong,” I wince as my American tongue stumbles over the name that used to be mine.“It’s the Korean name for Sirius.When the Potters adopted me, they decided to keep the name, sort of.So my full name became Sirius Orion Potter.With my brother, _James_.”

“Seems like he got off easy.”

“You’d think that,” I reply.“But his middle name is Fleamont.”

Remus laughs.“No,” he says.“No it isn’t.”

“Yes,” I say, “yes it is.So what about you, Remus?If that is your real name.”

“Oh, it is,” he says, reaching into his pocket.He pulls out a small leather wallet and slides a card out.“Here’s proof.”

His driver’s license picture looks horrible.He looks high.But, given the cloud of weed smoke we are currently in, maybe that was actually the case.There’s his name.LUPIN, REMUS J.Also the state apparently thinks he’s blond.Also he weighs more than me.And holy fuck, he’s 6’2”?

“So what’s the _J_ stand for?”I ask.“Jupiter?Janus?”

“John.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Remus John Lupin?”

“Present.”

“Did your parents just not commit to the theme?”

“My dad’s mom wanted her grandkid to be named John because it’s an old family name on the Lupin side.But my mom didn’t like it.”

“Did she ever tell you why she named you after the twin who died?”

“Yeah,” Remus says as he tosses the roach off the side of the roof.“She said she thought the name Romulus would be hard to live with.”

I laugh.“Just be glad she didn’t name you Uranus.”

He chuckles.“You know you remind me of my friend Tonks.” Goddammit.And things were going so well.“Yeah?”I ask, taking another swig of rum.

“Yeah.She gushes about you all the time.You’d think you weren’t human.”

I cock an eyebrow.“What does she say about me?”

“That you’re super brave.Apparently you came out sophomore year and it was this whole thing.”

It wasn’t a whole thing.It was fucking Lucius walking in on me making out with Ludo in the locker rooms and taking pictures and posting them online, three guys calling me a faggot, and half the school saying that they were “there for me.”

Okay, maybe it was a whole thing.

I shrug.“I got outed, but nothing really happened.”

“Yeah but apparently you’ve made things way easier for the other gay kids.You’re this big soccer star and so you seem to have made being gay alright.”

Am I?“I don’t really pay much attention to gay shit at school.Come to think of it, I’m not sure I know who’s gay.”

“Yeah, you also have a reputation for that.Everyone would probably lose their shit if you showed up at the Order of the Phoenix meeting.”

“The what of the what now?”

He smiled.“The Order of the Phoenix.It’s a gay-straight alliance between us and Spinner’s.”

Spinner’s Academy is the other high school in our town.

“Didn’t know you could have clubs between schools.” “Technically you can’t.But there just weren’t enough queers in Godric’s to make for a worthwhile club, so we outsourced.The meetings are at four every day. That’s why Tonks and I hang around during your practice.We’re killing time before we go to the meeting.”

Oh.Well, that solves that mystery.My ego is just gonna go cry in the corner now.It’s fine.“And here I thought it was because you liked soccer.”

Remus shrugs, and for the first time I notice the sort of dazed look in his eyes.Also how light the bottle is now.“Little column A, little column B.”His face is super flushed, like unhealthily so.Then suddenly it turns blue.Then red again.And—

“Fuck.”Cop cars are coming down the street.“We’re…”

“Two teenagers who smell like pot sitting on a roof with a bottle of liquor between us?Yes we are.There’s a lattice down the side.”He starts pushing me towards one edge of the roof.

Reader, I would not recommend using a lattice as a ladder.It is not a pleasant experience.It is particularly unpleasant if your a bit high and a bit drunk and panicked and the boy who stars in a frankly unhealthy number of your sexual fantasies  is clambering down above you.

But we’re young and spry and we get out.

“Remember,” Remus says over his shoulder as we join the herd of fleeing teenagers, “Monday.Order of the Phoenix.”

 

**October 3**

_In my head, he has a really big dick.Like, the thing is almost stupid looking.But it’s hot in the moment.In this dream I’m going down on him.I actually have a bit of talent for going down on men in real life._

_In my dreams, I’m a fucking oral god._

_Remus is sitting on a love seat in front of me, and he’s in ecstasy.His head is thrown back and he’s letting out these sounds — the fucking sounds._

_“Fuck, Sirius,” he hisses… I love it when he says my name.I don’t know if he’s ever actually said it in real life, now that I think about it._

_So yeah, I suck him off and then he comes in my mouth.It’s great.Cum in dreams doesn’t taste like cum._

_When I’m done and looking up at him all seductive-like, he’s staring down at me with those fucking eyes.He looks so desperate for pleasure._

_Jesus fucking Christ._

 

“So why are you dragging me to your gay thing?”

“It’s not a gay thing,” I say as we follow Remus’s old station wagon down the street.“It’s a gay-straight alliance.Gay and straight and everything in between.”

James rolls his eyes.“You always make me come to this stuff because you’re too scared to admit your scared.”

“Bullshit.I know you secretly like it.”

James scoffs, but he doesn’t reply.

James’s personal transition from annoying dudebro to fervent LGBT ally is something I’m really proud of him for.When I was first outed, he was furious at me.At first I thought it was because he was homophobic, but it turned out that he was just mad that I never told him.But I was always scared to tell him because I never knew how he was going to react. 

And I was sort of justified in that because he didn’t talk to me for a week after I was outed.

Two months later, though, he was wearing booty shorts, covered in glitter paint, and dancing with me at San Francisco Pride.

So I hate to admit it — and I’ll deny it if you repeat it — but James is like half my gay courage.

“Alright,” he says as we pull into a parking space.“We’re here.”

Remus and The Pink One lead us to a small classroom at the end of one of Spinner’s halls.There’s a circle of desks there.All the other’s are pushed against the wall.Three people are already sitting there.

“Brought some new blood,” Remus says as we walk in.

“Awesome,” one of them, a tall redheaded girl wearing a maxi dress says with a smile.Judging by her features and the sound of her voice, I figure she’s probably trans.“I’m Lily,” she gestures at the two people with her, “this is Anna,” a girl with a blonde pixie cut nods her head, “and that’s Ben.”

Ben is a tall, handsome guy with short brown hair and a lip ring.Remus goes to sit right next to him and pecks him on the cheek.

I can feel the blood drain out of my face.No, I think, this can’t be happening.

But it is and they’re holding hands and my stomach is in my throat.

“I’m sorry,” Lily says, “can I get your names?”

I’m too out of it to reply (plus I don’t think my voice would work) so I elbow James in the side to get him to introduce us.But he doesn’t do anything.

I tear my eyes from the happy couple and see that James is staring at Lily.Like really actually staring.His jaw is hanging open.His glasses have slid down to the tip of his nose but he hasn’t compulsively pushed them up yet.

Goddamit.

“I’m Sirius Potter and this is my brother James Potter,” I say.

“You’re brothers?”Anna asks.

“Twins,” I reply, not looking at Remus or Ben.“Though I’m older.”

“By how much?”Ben asks.

“Four months,” I reply, forcing a smile.

“Hell of a labor,” Lily comments.“Well, let me formally welcome you to the club as the president of the Order of the Phoenix.Take any of the desks, there’s no seating chart.”

I end up dragging James into one of the desks and take a seat beside him.Remus and Ben are leaning into each other and whispering.I think I’m gonna be sick.

“Alright,” Lily says, sitting down with a small binder in front of herself, “Let the meeting begin.She starts jotting something on in the binder, “shit.Does anyone remember what day it is?”

“It’s October third,” James says with maybe just a bit too much enthusiasm.

“Thanks,” Lily says, not even looking up.“Right, so to catch you two up, we’ve been working on a fundraiser to go towards Gay Prom, an event we’re holding in conjunction with several other local high schools to create a safe place for students who can’t take their dates to their own school’s prom for various reasons.The style of the fundraiser is an skills auction.We have volunteers offer up skills and the audience bids on them.So far we have ten people who are willing to sell off some sort of service, and we’re hoping to get up to twenty.”

“I have fourteen volunteers for you,” James says quickly.

Lily blinks.“Fourteen?”

“I’m the captain of the Godric’s Hollow soccer team,” James says, skinny chest puffed out. 

“…Okay,” Lily replies.“And you think you’ll be able to convince them to do this for us?”

“He is our fearless leader,” I say, looking at my brother.I’ve never seen him like this before.He’s looking at Lily the way I probably look at Remus.I think there’s actually some drool coming out of his mouth. 

Also he just pimped out the whole soccer team to impress a girl he didn’t know five minutes ago.Our boy James commits _early_.

I would find it more amusing if my heart hadn’t just been broken.

“I’ll talk to them,” he says.“They’ll do it.”

Wow.That’s a completely unjustified level of confidence, but I let him continue showing off.Whatever he needs to feel important. 

I rest my chin on my folded hands and breathe into the misery.This is going to be a long day.

We stop at Starbucks on the way home, and James has barely taken the first sip of his coffee before he says, “I’m in love.”

“You’re in love,” I say, stabbing at the whipped cream on my drink with my green straw.

“She’s perfect.”

“You don’t even know her.”

“I don’t need to know her to know she’s perfect.”

“I’m fairly sure the only people it’s possible to think of as perfect are people you don’t actually know.”

“That’s deep, dude.You should put that on tumblr.”

“You know she’s trans, right?I don’t want you to freak out on her if you’re greeted by parts you aren’t expecting.”

“You think I care about that?She’s _her_ and that’s all that matters.Didn’t know you were so cisnormative.”

“Cisnormative.Damn.Someone _has_ been on tumblr.”

James sighs.“I take it you aren’t taking the whole ‘Remus has a boyfriend’ thing well?”

“No,” I reply as I stare out the window.“I am not taking the whole ‘Remus has a boyfriend’ thing well.”

 

**October 10**

_I had another dream about him last night.We are in the woods.He’s on top of me and kissing my neck.My fingernails are scratching down his back as he starts to ride me.I watch his dick bounce with the movements.His head is thrown back in sheer bliss and he howls in pleasure as he comes, as I come in him._

_Having these dreams feels wrong now that I know he’s with someone.Maybe it’s just that they hurt more._

_It’s been a week.It still hurts.I’ve never been this invested in a person before.I know I probably shouldn’t be this beaten up.Honestly, I didn’t know him all that well before we started going to Order meetings.I know Remus the Other Guy’s Boyfriend better than I know Remus the Pretty Hipster.So I don’t get to be mad.That isn’t fair.I know I don’t own him._

_But it hurts.It hurts too much.I’ve never felt like this before and I hate it._

 

I bite the end of my pen.This is getting bad.This thing is turning into a fucking diary.I close the book.

I stare down at the black lab puppy on the cover.Wouldn’t have been my first choice, honestly, but that day at the store it was the puppy or Elsa.I had no interest writing these things on a computer because who knows what NSA perverts want in on my imaginary sex life.And I don’t trust my brother enough to have a notebook that doesn’t lock.

Don’t get me wrong, I trust James with my life.Just not with my log.

I toss the book under my bed and pad across the hallway to James’s room.I knock.“I’m coming in.Put away anything you don’t want me to see.”

James is sitting on his bed, his laptop resting on his stomach.I catch a flash of a red head on the screen.

“Dude, at least have the decency to close out of your porn… oh wait shit hi Lily.”

Lily smiled from her position as a rectangle on top of my brother’s stomach… and I do realize that makes James sound like a telletubbie.And no, I’m not taking it back.

“How are you Sirius?” she asks.

“Great,” I say, my biggest and most charming smile flashing back at me from the bottom corner of James’s laptop.“My awesome brother is about to drive me to a gay bar so I can get some college D.”

James levels a Look at me, one he inherited from our mother.One that may one day actually have an effect on me.“Right,” he said after a bit.“Is it okay if I sign off for now?”

“Of course, have fun with the college D,” she says with a wink and the laptop makes that little underwater cash register sound Skype makes when someone’s signing off.

James sighs.“Get your shit, let’s go.”

I smile.

Our parents are away at some work retreat so James and I pretty much have run of the house.Which means running out of the house whenever we feel like it.

“So,” I say about five minutes after James pulls out of the driveway, “when did you start Skyping Lily?”

“A few days ago,” James says, trying to sound calmer than he is.

I feel a sudden sting of guilt.I’ve really been a shitty brother these last few days.I’ve been moping about Remus while James was falling in love for the first time.I should have been paying attention.

“Tell me about it,” I say.

And with that he’s off.Everything he’s been holding back all this time came pouring out of him.Lily was the most amazing woman on the planet.Lily is smart.Lily is funny.Lily is an athlete.Lily is looking to go to Yale next year.Lily is gorgeous.Lily is everything he’s ever wanted in a girl.

Lily has a shitty older sister named Petunia who misgenders her.Petunia is going to bring her shitty boyfriend Vernon home for Thanksgiving.Lily is honestly considering spending the holiday locked in her room.

“We could invite her to ours,” I suggest.

“I was thinking that too,” James says.

“Mom would love it.”

“Mom would _totally_ love it.”

And like that, we’re cool again.I’m feeling good as we drive into the parking lot and I prepare to get my club on.

The Sword of Gryffindor is a gay club located in a college town about 45 minutes away from our suburb.Ever since I turned 16 and got my very first fake ID, I’ve been coming here to hookup with hot college guys and get drunk on fruity drinks.James has been my DD ever since he got his license.

We walk by the bouncer, Tom, with a nod and a smile.I don’t even get carded anymore.It’s great.

“Right,” James yells as we enter into the cavern of pulsating bodies, impractical lighting, and vibrating bass, “I’m gonna go drink Coke for like two hours while you blow some sociology major in the alleyway.”

I smile and kiss my brother on the cheek, earning several _wooooos_ from the patrons around us.

Reader, I know what you’re probably thinking right now: _Oh, James is such a sweet brother.He’s so kind and supportive and selfless_.And maybe a little, but just know that next time we go to GameStop it is going to be strongly recommended that I remember tonight.

But whatever.I’m here and I’m gonna try to forget Remus Lupin and my woes.And maybe even my name. I work my way into the dance floor, closing my eyes and moving naturally with beat.It feels good.The heat of the bodies all around me, the freedom and anonymity I have here.I’ve probably hooked up with a third of the people on the dance floor, but virtually none of them know anything about me.To them, I’m just a pretty boy looking for a good time.I’m not a teenager with a broken heart.

I settle into one spot and someone behind me has started grinding into me.I sigh and press myself up against him, pushing my ass into his crotch.This, _this_ is what I need.The man’s hands find my hips, and I can feel his hardness against my ass.Perfect.

It’s like that for a while… I couldn’t tell you how long.Long enough that the DJ decides it was okay to play a second Ke$ha song.At that point, the guy is practically moaning in my ear, his breath hot on my face, and laced with the sharp sting of alcohol.I haven’t had anything to drink, but I feel like I’m getting buzzed by osmosis.I spin around and wrap my arms around the neck of the guy I’m grinding with, figuring it’s time for a mid-dance floor make out session.Without missing a beat, without even really looking at the guy, I bring our mouths together.

The guy immediately presses into the kiss with a desperation I wasn’t quite expecting.His fingers are in my hair and his tongue is in my mouth.He tastes like pineapple and rum.I run my tongue along his and wrap my hands arms around his waist, rolling my hips into his.We both moan at the contact.He starts to trail his lips down my jaw and neck and I let my head fall back as he starts working what I assume will be a hickey tomorrow on the soft flesh just above my collar bone.

A bright flash of pink light rolls across the crowd and my eyes open instinctually in response.The disco lights change to a purple, then a green, and it takes me a moment to recognize my partner but when I finally do I jerk away.

“ _Ben?_ ” I whisper, my voice not even audible to me as I jump back.

Ben gives me a shy smile and starts to step towards me but I back away.He looks confused and sort of hurt.What the fuck?What is he doing here, making out with other guys?I feel a heat spread across my cheeks.I’m livid.What is he doing to _Remus_?

I grab his arm and pull him away from the crowd, into one of the various enclaves and hallways around the dance floor. I fling him at the wall and he barely manages to stabilize himself by flailing his hand out and smacking it against the wall.I almost chuckle as his open hand rests against a blown up poster of David Bowie’s bulge in _Labyrinth_.But immediately my mind goes back to the much more important matter at hand: protecting Remus’s honor.

“What the fuck?”I say.“What are you doing making out with other guys?”

Ben is blinking, like he’s not entirely sure how he got where he did.“What are you talking about?” he says. 

“You have a boyfriend!”I shout.A few nearby patrons glance over at us, but I can’t be bothered to lower my voice.If I make a scene, so be it.

Understanding flashes across Ben’s face along with an (I’ll admit rather flattering) aqua blue disco light.He rights himself, crossing his arms and leaning against the Bowie Bulge.“Sirius, Remus and I broke up two days ago.”

What.

What?

_What?_

“Whaaaaa—”

He approaches me.“Sorry, thought you knew.”

“I… I didn’t.Are you alright?”Remus is single.Remus is single.

“Yeah,” Ben says, scratching his neck.“I was the one who cut it off.I think it’s been a bit harder on Remus, to be honest.I feel sorta shitty.That’s part of the reason I came here tonight, you know.To forget.”

Remus is single.Remus is heartbroken.

I need a drink.

I step away from Ben without another word, which is probably rude but fuck it.I get three tequila shots and walk away from the bar so it’ll look like they’re for a group of friends.I leave the lemon wedges at the bar.By the time I make it to a place where I can put the shot glasses down, they’re empty.The liquor burns at my throat.

Remus is single.Remus is heartbroken.

I shouldn’t be happy.I’m so happy.I’m not happy.I need my brother.I look around the bar for him, but he’s no where to be seen.I push my way back through the crowd.Where is he?

My limbs start to feel less like part of me, my senses are becoming calmer.I can almost feel the buzz from the shots approaching like an old friend [Note: Old-ish, like maybe a year… just thought I’d throw that in there… I know we’re in the middle of a kinda dramatic scene, but don’t want you to think I’ve got a drinking problem… right… anyway…]

James is no where to be seen.I start to panic.Did someone grab him?Is he alright?Where is he?

Something catches my eye, and I sigh as I see James’s glasses reflect some of the light show.He’s at a table in a corner chatting with someone.They have their back to me.

I’m about halfway to him when the person he’s talking to leans forward, the bottom of his t-shit riding up.As if in reply, there’s a bright flash of light across the dance floor, and the triple moon symbol on his lower back is briefly illuminated.

Fucking fuck, fuckity fucking fuck fuck fuck.

“Sirius!”James shouts, waving me over.

Remus turns around, his smile glowing eerily in the dark.He doesn’t look particularly heartbroken.He also doesn’t look particularly sober.

“Hey,” I begin, flinching.Hey.Hey is what I come up with.Hey.

“Hey,” he says, grin turning goofy.“What’s up?”

“Nothing really,” I say, looking over at James.

James makes a sort of drinking motion, points at Remus, and holds up three fingers.

“Wanna dance?” Remus asks suddenly.

“Huh?” I ask, but before I can say anything else, I’m pulled away and suddenly I’m dancing with Remus Lupin.

Normally I would be fine with this, in fact, normally I would be _thrilled_ with this.I’ve had actual literal dreams about this.But in those dreams, Remus is sober and not essentially propping himself up with me, air thick with alcohol.

_Fuck me._

Apparently I say it out loud, because Remus giggles and whispers “maybe later,” in my ear.

He’s got his hands on my hips and he’s _grinding_ into me and mother fucker he has a boner and goddamit this isn’t fair this isn’t fair this isn’t…

He’s kissing my neck.He’s kissing my neck and it feels so good but he’s drunk and I’m sort of drunk and this isn’t how this was supposed to go shit shit shit….

I push him away.“Maybe later,” I say.

He laughs, too loud.Then he glances around and frowns.I follow his eyes.Ben’s over there, dancing with someone else.

“I want to go home,” Remus says, storming off the dance floor.

I scramble to follow him.“Who brought you here?” I ask.

“She’s gone.I’ll have to get a cab.”

“We can give you a ride,” I offer.No way in fucking hell am I gonna leave a drunk Remus Lupin to the tender mercies of the night.I’m a fucking gentleman.

“I…” he stops, stumbling a bit as his body readjusts to non-movement.He looks over at me.“I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

“You aren’t a bother.” _I’d love to be bothered_ , I think.

“I mean… if you don’t mind.”

“We don’t,” I say.“Let’s go.”

And so we load Remus up into the back of the car and start to drive away.

Remus is silent in the backseat and I’m too busy worrying about him to say much.

“Where do you live, Remus?” James asks about halfway home.

Remus doesn’t respond.

“Shit,” I say, looking at the backseat.“He’s passed out.”

He looks adorable like that, by the way.Younger, calmer.Happier.

“Do you know where he lives?”

“Why would I know where he lives?”

“I don’t know, you’re the one who’s obsessed with him.”

“I’m not stalking him!”

“Fine!Fine.We’ll just bring him home.Let him sleep on the couch for all I care.If he pukes, you have to clean it up.”

“Fine,” I say, arms crossed.Inside I’m full of nervous energy and fear.Remus Lupin is gonna be in my house.Remus Lupin is fucking wasted right now.I might have to clean up Remus Lupin’s puke.

My stomach turns and I don’t know if it’s the weird situation I’m in or the tequila.I had way too much fucking tequila.

I close my eyes and sort of doze off for a bit, then James shakes me awake.

“Wha—?”

“Look,” James says.

“… oh shit.”

Our parents’ car is in the driveway, and the lights are on.

James has already started panicking, he pulls over a few houses down and turns the car off.“Shit, shit, shit.What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know man… what are you reaching for?”

James’s hand slips down into the console between us, before I’m able to figure out what he’s doing, there’s something coming at my face.

“AAAAGH… _what the fuck_?!”

“I am not smart enough to be the only sober person in this situation,” James says, setting the cup that used to contain the melted Oreo McFlurry he’d just tossed in my face back in the cupholder.

“Dude, this shit is nasty,” I say, wiping it out of my eyes.

James could really do a better job of looking sorry.He needs to work on that.“Focus!” he hisses.

“It would have been easier to focus if I didn’t have fucking Oreo bits in my eyes.”

“You’re drunk, he’s drunk,” he gestures at Remus.“It’s the middle of the night.What do we do?”

The gears start kicking in.Even drunk, my brain runs like a machine.Maybe one of those wind-up toys you get in your Easter basket, or something.But a machine.There are gears.“Alright,” I say after a moment.“The McDonald’s around here is 24 hours.I’ll sneak Remus in the back, you can swing around the block and park by the Bakers’.I’ll tuck Remus into my bed and meet you on that side of the street.We’ll go to McDonald’s, get some food, come back with the bags, and pretend like we were out there.What do you think?”

James looks at me for a moment.“You just want nuggets.”

“I want nuggets _so bad_ ,” I reply emphatically.“But also I think this’ll work.”

“Fine.How do you plan to get Remus into the house?”

I glance over at the yard we’re parked in front of.“Think they’ll mind if we borrow their wheelbarrow for a moment?”

Remus isn’t exactly a small person, but I would have figured someone so skinny wouldn’t have weighed so much. 

“Motherfucker,” I groan as we load him into the wheelbarrow.

James bends his knees and tries to tuck his feet into the… the plastic thing where you put the stuff?Does that have its own name?It should have its own name.

Anyway he’s having a hard time.“So what are we gonna do with him in the morning?How are we gonna sneak him out?”

“That sounds an awful lot like a tomorrow problem, my friend.Why borrow trouble?”

“Because I care about Tomorrow James and I want him to have a nice life that doesn’t involve getting screamed at for random people in our house.”

“It’ll be _fine,_ ” I say, pulling the wheelbarrow onto the sidewalk.“I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“Godspeed,” James says with a salute as he drives off into the car.

It’s a good thing this is a sleepy neighborhood with lots of old people who are already asleep, because I probably look like a serial killer hauling a body down the street.I manage to get him up the little hill that leads to our backyard.Our parents are in the living room from the looks of things so I manage to get over to the backdoor without much risk of detection.I unlock the backdoor as quietly as I can and thank my mother for signing me up for those weird survival camp classes as I pull the dead weight of Remus Lupin into a fireman’s carry.I manage to maneuver him through the door without much issue, but the stairs are going to be a bit of a problem.The first two are okay, but the third one squeaks.I’ve sneaked up these steps before, just not with someone on my back.My thighs scream at me as I haul myself over the third step and swing my leg up to the fourth.I realize just in time that Remus’s head is headed towards the ceiling and crouch down.

_Fuck it._

I pick him up bridal style, hugged in a ball close to my chest.And _goddam_ my arms are burning but I power through.I sweep through the hallway and manage to get the light on in my room.

I set Remus down on the bed and start propping him up with pillows.

And of course that’s when he chooses to wake up.

“Wha— where am I?”

“I’m tucking you in,” I whisper.“Go to sleep, it’s okay.I’ll get you some water in a bit.”

“Aww…” he says, stroking my still very sticky chin.“You puked… that’s okay,” he closes his eyes.“We can’t all hold our liquor.”

I smirk.“Glad I’ve got people like you to watch out for me.”

“Yeah,” he said, yawing.“You’re too pretty to be left alone in a place like that… some jerk might… might…” he passes out again.

_Remus Lupin thinks I’m pretty._

Normally that fact would have me jumping around the room, but now is not the time for that.I work his sweatshirt and shoes off and turn off the light, moving down the steps and out the door like a Korean-American ninja.

“How’d it go?” James asks as I slip into the car.

“He’s in my bed.This is not how I thought Remus Lupin was gonna end up in my bed.”

“Dude…”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.C’mon.You owe me nuggets.”

“Oh,” James says, starting the car, “ _I_ owe you nuggets?In what universe do _I_ owe you nuggets?”

And we fight about that all the way to McDonalds.And you know what?

The fucker buys me nuggets.

I wipe my face off with tap water and cheap .5 ply McDonald’s paper towels and we drive home.

Mom and Dad are waiting for us, like we thought they would.

They give us the usual kisses and hugs and shit and we tell them we were gone for a late night McDonald’s trip and they make some comment about how they hoped that wasn’t all we ate while they were away.

(And it wasn’t.It was just most of what we ate while they were away.)

Then we manage to disentangle ourselves and say goodnight and everything and I rush up to my room where Remus Lupin is sleeping like a baby and I grab him a bottle of Advil from the bathroom and set the McDonald’s cup I’d filled with soda machine water on my bedside table.

Then I turn out the lights, scarf down the rest of my nuggets and fries, and crash on James’s bed.

 

When I swing by my room the following morning, Remus is still asleep.I’m about to wake him up when my parents call me downstairs for breakfast.

James is already there with a plate full of eggs, bacon, and toast, fiddling with his phone.

I’m trying to figure out how I can sneak breakfast up to Remus when James asks a question.

“Hey Mom?”

“Yeah?” Mom replies, spreading some jam on her toast.

“I think something’s up with the Wifi.I can’t connect.”

“Oh,” she says, taking a bite.She chews for a moment before answering.“We changed the password last night.”

“Oh,” James says, blinking.“Can you tell me what the new one is?”

“Sure,” Mom says.“In, what?” she looked over at Dad.“A week?”

“Yeah,” Dad nods, taking a sip of his coffee.“A week sounds nice.Oh, and Sirius?”

My face feels cold.“Yeah Dad?”

“Two things.One, the seventh step also creaks.And two, please return that wheelbarrow to wherever it came from.”

“I uh… I… yeah, of course.”

I manage to work some toast and bacon into a napkin and hide it under my clothes, but as I make for the stairs, my dad stops me.

“Put the wheelbarrow back now, not later.”

I run the thing down the street as fast as I can, ducking out of the neighbor’s view as I flip their wheelbarrow upside down and stick it back by their shed.

I all but sprint home and am about to make for my room when Mom calls me from the kitchen.“Help me put the dishes away, please.”

I’m scrambling to get the dumb things put away without making it look like I was in a hurry and, Reader, it is _agony_.

And then finally, I make it up the stairs, producing the crushed, crumby napkin of breakfast food from under my shirt.

And there he is.Remus Lupin, in my room, wide awake, sitting on the floor by my bed.

And in his hands?The small journal in which I wrote all of my deepest sexual fantasies.

For a moment we just look at each other.He doesn’t look like he can move, I don’t feel like I can move.Our eyes meet and I can’t breathe.

“What are you—” I begin after a moment, “what are you _doing_?”

“I—I— what is this?” he holds the notebook out accusingly.“ _What the fuck is this_?”

“Shhhh!” I hold my hands out.“Please be quiet.My parents don’t know you’re here.”

“And what am I doing here?” he snapped, though thankfully he kept his voice down.“How did I end up in your house?What did — what did you do to me last night?”

“I didn’t do anything!” I whisper-scream.“You wanted a ride home and we were driving you back towards our town but you passed out before you could tell us where you lived so we brought you here.I didn’t do anything!”

“Well you can forgive me for being suspicious given this fucking _stalker_ notebook!”

“I am not stalking you!” I shout before I can regain control of myself.I step closer, he steps back.I lower my voice.“I’m not stalking you.And you weren’t supposed to read that.”I snatch the notebook out of his hands.“You’re the one going through my private property,” I say in my best debate team voice.“If anything, you’re the one who’s stalking me.”

“ _Excuse me_?”

Yeah, not my best retort.

Remus looks livid.“I _am not_ stalking you.And if you stripped my whole room down I can guarantee you you would not find a fucking _sex dream notebook_.Why did you even write the thing?”

I groan.Fuck it.Fuck this.Fuck it all.“Because I like you, okay?I had a crush on you and I didn’t know how to handle it and I started having fucking wet dreams and I wrote them down so I could work through them.Then… I don’t know, the thing became a sort of journal?I just kept writing in it.You were never supposed to see it.”

Remus’s face is flushed.“I need to leave.”He goes for the door.

“Wait!” I jump in front of the door, blocking him off.“My parents don’t know you’re here, and I’m in enough trouble as it is.Can you just wait until I can figure out a way to get you out of here?”

Remus glares at me.“You have half an hour to get me out of here.Otherwise, I’m leaving out the front door.”

I close my eyes.“Deal.”Shit.

Now what?

I leave the room, mind still reeling from the sudden deeply unwelcome turn of events.What the fuck?What the fuck?

_What the fuck_?

I knock on James’s door.He opens it immediately.“Remus still asleep?”

“No,” I say.“He found the notebook.”

James blanches.“Shit.What’d he say?”

“He… he wants to leave.Help me get him out of here.”

“Sirius…”

“Just help me get him out of here!Do you know what Mom and Dad are planning on doing today?”

“I don’t.Fuck.I can probably get them into the living room if you want to sneak him out the back.”

“Can you?”

“Yeah, give me a few minutes.”He steps out into the hallway and makes for the stairs.He turns around before he reaches them.“You okay?”

“No,” I say.

James looks concerned, but there must be something in my expression that prevents him from saying anything else.He continues his way downstairs.

I take a deep breath and return to my room.“Okay,” I say, clicking the door shut with my ass.“James is gonna distract my parents.In a few minutes we can go out the back and I can drive you home.”

Remus avoids my eyes.“You don’t have to drive me home.”

I groan.“Dude I know you’re really creeped out by me, but I’m not gonna try anything.Let me drive you home.”

“No,” he says, voice unreadable.“That’s not what I meant… I only live a few houses away from here.I thought you knew that.We’re practically neighbors.”

“Wait… what?”

Remus rolls his eyes.“I figured that’s something my stalker would know about me.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake… I’m not stalking you!”

Remus still doesn’t want to look at me.

I check my phone.“Alright, James just texted me.You can take the back stairs to leave now.”

Remus doesn’t say anything, just walks out the door.I watch him as he leaves.

I stare after him for a few moments, thoughts racing.What the fuck?

I grab a pillow off my bed and throw it at my wardrobe.The drawers make a clunking sound and an empty glass falls off the top, but doesn’t break.I collapse in a ball beside my bed.

James comes in after a while.I don’t acknowledge him so he just sits on the floor beside me.He rubs my back when I start to cry.

 

**October 13**

I sit behind Remus in class, and it’s fucking killing me.

He hasn’t acknowledged me all day… but like it’s that type of not acknowledging where the ignoring me is so blatant that he might as well be screaming at me.I try really hard to focus on the teacher and not the person in front of me.Really hard.

I couldn’t even tell you how I spent the weekend.Spent isn’t even the right word.I _endured_ the weekend.And I really wanted to pretend to be sick but James dragged me to school with all this bullshit talk of ripping bandaids and biting bullets and so here the fuck I am.

I’m gonna kill James.Then probably myself.

Classes drag.And drag.And fucking drag.I don’t remember the last time I was so fucking miserable.I’m a mess.

“Hey,” James says, waving his hand in front of my face.“Hey.You going to the Order meeting tonight?”

I poke at lunch with my fork.“I don’t want to,” I mutter.

“You’re gonna have to face him eventually,” James said.

“Eventually doesn’t have to be today.”

James rips a corner off the crust of his pizza.“Look, I know you’re in a shitty situation—”

“Do you know?” I snap, slamming my fork down on the table.I’ve been mopey all day so the people we usually sit with found alternative seating.James was the only other person at my table.“Do you really know?Have you ever been in my situation?Has anything even remotely close to this ever happened to you?”

“Well,” James says, “no, but—”

“But nothing,” I hiss.“You know what?I’m sick.I’ll see you when school gets out.”

“Sirius—” James begins as I leave the cafeteria.

But I don’t stop.I walk out the door.I slip through the halls and I grab my coat from my locker.I make my way out to the soccer pitch and no one stops me.

Practice will be in a few hours.I figure no one’ll be around for a while.

I find the supply shed unlocked and bring out the big bag of soccer balls, lining them up like a row of soldiers.Is this stupid?Yeah.Should I have gone far away from school if I wanted to skip? Probably.

But fuck it.Fuck it all.

I’m so busy slamming the balls into the net that I don’t notice someone approaching until they’re speaking to me.

“So this is how jocks skip?”

I let out an incredibly undignified squeal and the ball I was going for flies way wide of the net.

Remus is sitting at the very bottom of the bleachers, oversized sweater rolled up to reveal _those fucking forearms_ and convenience store coffee sitting at his side.

“Oh,” I say like the little bitch I am, “so now you’re talking to me?”And yeah, Reader, I hate myself as much as you do.Get off me.

The words have the desired — cliche, yeah, I _fucking know_ — effect.Remus casts his eyes down to the unnaturally green grass.“Look, I… I wanted to apologize.For how I reacted Saturday.It was shitty of me.”

I kick another ball into the goal, throat tight.“What brought about the change of heart?”

“Time?”Remus muses.“I just thought about what it would have been like if our situations were reversed.And I talked to Tonks about it…”

“Wait,” I abandon my balls and whrill around to face him.“You told the Pink One?”

“The… the what?”

“Your friend?You told your friend about it?How many people have you told?!”

Remus looks taken aback, his face has turned red.It would be cute if I didn’t sort of want to claw his fucking neck out.“Just… just her.It’s not like I’m gonna tell the whole school.It was embarrassing for me too, you know… wait,” he adds after a moment, “that’s not what I meant.”

But I’m already off.“Embarrassing?Embarrassing?Are you fucking kidding me?You invade my privacy, go through my personal shit, and it’s embarrassing for _you_?You that ashamed of me?It that shitty that the school flamer has a thing for you?”

“ _That’s not what I meant_ ,” Remus says again, and his voice sounds almost dangerous.

But I care fuck all about danger in that moment.“Then what the fuck do you mean?What do you _want from me_?Do you want me to apologize for liking you?For finding you attractive?Tell me, did I ever make any unwelcome advances?Ever do anything to make you uncomfortable before you violated my privacy?”

“What?No.”

“ _THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING SUCH A DICK ABOUT THIS?!”_

“I came here to apologize,” Remus says, standing up.

“Yeah, well, apology not accepted.Don’t tell anyone else about it, or…”

Remus glares at me.“Or what?”

“Or fucking nothing,” I say, turning away.Hot, angry tears are starting to fall from my eyes.“It doesn’t fucking matter, I guess.I’m leaving.”

And I walk away from possibly the biggest train wreck of my life.As I start down the street, I can’t help but glance back at Remus, who’s still on the soccer pitch.I watch him kick a ball into the goal.I can hear his frustrated groan from the road.

 

**October 19**

 

“How was your date?” I ask as James walks in the front door.

He looks at the book in my hands as he peels the beanie off his unruly mop of hair.“You waiting up, Mom?”

I close the cover, setting it down on the coffee table.“No,” I lie.“Just couldn’t sleep.”

He looks at me with the pitying look that makes me want to curl up in a ball and sob.“It went well.She misses you.She wishes you’d start coming around to meetings again.”

“I’m not going to,” I say, bringing my knees up to my chest in the lazyboy.

“I know,” James says, running his fingers through his hair.“I know.”

 

**October 25**

 

“So…” James asks, running a fry through ketchup.“You gonna go to the Halloween party at Marlene’s?”

“I’m not sure I’m invited,” I mumble into my food.Not that I need to mumble.We’re the only people at the table.I’ve been officially Moping for a while now, people have been avoiding me.It sucks but I don’t have the energy to stop.

“You’re always invited,” James said.“They’d be happy to see you.Lily and I’ll be there so…”

I glance across the cafeteria at the back of Remus’s head.I know I’m being ridiculous.I know I need to get over this shit.We haven’t exchanged a word since he approached me at the soccer pitch.And I’ve been agonizing over every single thing we said to each other since then.And for fuck’s sake _I know_ it was mostly my fault.Jesus, I don’t even know which one of us should be more mad.

He looks at me, sometimes.And he looks confused every time he does it.And I don’t know what to think about that.I’m tired of thinking about him.I’m tired of thinking.

“Fine,” I say, “I’ll go.”

 

**October 31**

 

“This is what you want me to go in?” I ask, holding up the long-sleeved t-shirt and old jeans Lily had thrown into my arms when she arrived.

“Yeah,” she says, rummaging through her makeup bag.

“What am I supposed to be again?”

“You’re a vampire.”

“A vampire wearing jeans?”

Lily smiles to herself.“Exactly, now sit down so I can do your makeup.”

I groan but sink down into my desk chair, submitting to the white powder and thick eyeliner my brother’s girlfriend is caking on.“Is anyone even going to know what I’m supposed to be?I don’t have fangs or anything.”

“The right people will know, now hold still.”

When she’s done, she holds up a mirror.“What do you think?”

I frown at my reflection.“I just look like myself.”

“I know!” she gushes.“That’s what’s so great about it!Now come on, we need to go.”

We all pile into the car.James and Lily — dressed as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, of all fucking things — are chatting in the front as I watch our suburb fly by.Jack-o-lanterns blur yellow and orange as we move.Kids dressed as monsters and princesses and superheroes scamper from door to door, trailed by parents with flashlights and coats slung over their arms.Halloween is my holiday, and this time of year I’m usually having a lovely time getting drunk and spraying my brother with shaving cream.

But this year apparently I’m just gonna be an emo shit pretending to be some half-ass vampire because my brother’s girlfriend said so.

C’est la fucking vie.

The party’s already in full swing when we arrive.The living room is full of virtually everyone I go to school with, and they’re all dressed up with a huge range of effort.Some dude is wearing a beanie with a fake paper eye on it — I’m guessing he’s a minion or some shit — and he’s chatting with a girl wearing a Comic-Con quality cosplay of Zelda.

“Hey!” Marlene says, swinging over in a Malibu Barbie costume.“Look at you guys!So retro!And Sirius!I’m so glad you could make it… you’re a…?”

“I’m a vampire… apparently,” I say, casting a salty look over at Lily, who just gives me a little shrug.

“Alright, cool,” Marlene accepts with a grin, swinging a fake blonde curl over her shoulder.“Drinks are in the kitchen, help yourself!Hey!” she shouted, running towards Spiderman, who appears to be throwing a vase at Frankenstein.“Put that down!”

“You want a drink?” James shouts at us over the booming music.

“Yeah,” Lily and I shout back.

We work our way through the crowd, pressing past a full troop of Power Rangers doing the YMCA dance.

The kitchen is even more packed.Cartoon characters and monsters grab at red solo cups and cheap handles of convenience store liquor. 

I grab a can of beer and slip away, stepping back into the main party and trying to remember what having fun feels like.

Yeah, I know, I’m being a whiny little shit.The past few weeks have been hard to me.I’m not used to this sort of shit.I’m not sure what sort of person would even be used to this sort of shit.I’ve never felt so exposed in my life.

I’m given acknowledging smiles and waves from people as I move through the crowd, but no one seems to be going out of their way to talk to me. 

Which is fine, I guess.I get it, at least.

I sip my — I glance down at the bottle — Bud Lite, leaning against the wall like the ugly girl at prom and watch the revelry.

And so that’s just how it goes for a while.The party just happens around me.Eventually my beer is gone and I go to the kitchen to get another.

I’m on my way back to the little spot on the wall I’d claimed for myself when I run into the last — and, yeah, fine, only — person I wanted to see at the party.

I’d imagined what we’d say to each other if we started talking again about a million times.Sometimes I lecture him on how horrible he is, sometimes he asks me to marry him… there’s a range.

“Remus,” I say, quickly maneuvering my beer away from him so it doesn’t spill over his costume as we accidentally bump together.“You’re a… devil?”Because his costume seems like a safe topic and talking to him hurts but I also feel like if he walks away now it’ll hurt more.

His eyes are cautious when he smiles a little.“You don’t know who I am?” he asks, gesturing at the reddish bat-shaped wings and pointy tail he was wearing with his otherwise normal clothing.

“Uh… no?”

“Oh my god!”Some chick I don’t recognize dressed as Tinkerbell cuts in.“Are you guys Snowbaz? _Yaaasss Queens_!”And she throws glitter at us and disappears into the crowd.

“Wait,” I say, sputtering as I try to get the glitter away from my eyes.“What did she say?”

Remus shakes the ‘pixie dust’ out of his hair and pulls his shirt up slightly to fluff the dust away.I stare at his treasure trail and can’t help but think some very happy little thoughts.

I clear my throat when he’s got his clothes more or less back to normal.“Are we something gay?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Remus says.“We’re something gay.Lily told me to come as Simon Snow.”

“She told me I was a vampire.”

“The old unintentional matching outfits routine,” Remus says, picking glitter out of his beer.“Sounds like them.”

I nod, scratching the back of my neck.“Right.”

Remus seems to give up on fishing the glitter out of his drink and sets it down on a table covered with McKinnon family photos.“Look, can we talk?I want to apologize… again.”

I down the rest of my beer, setting the can next to his cup.“I should apologize,” I say.“I know I acted like a dick last time.”

“Yeah,” he says, “You did.But that’s not really what I wanted to talk about.Can we… can I show you something?”

My slightly tipsy teenage brain takes that question to it’s not altogether illogical conclusion and this little ray of hope starts to glow in my cold, dead fake-gay-vampire chest.“Uh, sure?”

Remus takes my wrist and leads me up the stairs and into a bedroom.I get sort of horny and confused and hopeful and worried and all those emotions are dialed way the fuck up when he pulls something small out from his back pocket.

Not small, really.Not like condom small.Diary small.Locked diary small.

“Elsa?” I ask, looking at the _Frozen_ cover.

“It was the only one they had other than the puppy one,” Remus explains with a shrug.He hands it to me.“So I know this won’t fix everything, but I figure this will make things a bit more fair.I know more about you and your… feelings than I should.So I thought I’d let you know mine.”He pulls a chain out from under his shirt.There’s a little key at the end.“Here.You can read it whenever you want.”

“Wait,” I say, catching up very slowly.“This is…?”

“An insider’s look at the brain of one very horny and awkward Remus Lupin, yeah.”

“Am… am I in it?” I ask like a fucking idiot.

He flushes and his lips quirk slightly.“I mean… spoiler alert, but yeah.You’re in it.”

I look down at the gift.The precious, precious gift, and I don’t fucking know what do say.

Remus’s got it, though.“So you can read it now or later or never… it’s up to you.I’m not really sure what the last few weeks have done to what you think about me, but… I just wanted to let you know that I like you too and have for a while and I’m sorry I was so horrible when I read your journal it was just scary and _a lot_ and I felt sort of creeped out but it was your personal diary and your own business and I shouldn’t have read it but I did and I’m sorry and god Sirius I don’t want to mess this up and I really don’t want you to hate me.”

[Note: I do read it.Later.At length, and take notes.And to this day it is one of the most valuable things I own.What’s in it, you may ask?None of your goddamned business.]

“I don’t hate you,” I say.“I was just scared.And I’m sorry I was such a dick.It was all just… yeah.So,” I look up at him, smiling, “you like me?When did that happen?”

“Sometime within the first five minutes of knowing you,” he says to the carpet.

My hands are shaking, but they still find his.He interlaces his fingers with mine and we look down at them.“Can we try, maybe?”Remus asks.“If you’re ready?And… if you want to?”

“I want to,” I say.“I really want to.”

And that’s how we have our first kiss.In Marlene’s little sister’s bedroom, both tasting like cheap beer, still covered in glitter, he has a tail, and _The Monster Mash_ is being played probably ironically downstairs.We’re awkward and fumbling and scared and Reader?It’s perfect.


End file.
